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Get Off the Fence

How fitting to begin this blog “Get Off the Fence” a couple of days into the new year 2019. Not only is it new beginnings, new adventure but it’s to continue work that has already begun in the year just past. 2018 was an extraordinary year for me. A year of rapid and intense growth particularly in the inner and spiritual side of me. Not only have I come to a better understanding of how God works in the world but I have come to understand the meaning of cultivating a personal relationship with Him and His Holy Spirit. His Spirit speaks to me, His word as I read it in the bible speaks to me, the message of pastors speak to me and my inner wisdom speaks to me. All of this is a gift that is being given. That may seem to some a lot of chatter going on yet the realizations I have that those messages are being spoken to me and are meant for me directly, well it seems that they are being doled out as needed. As God needs to dole them out. Many times I have had the thought that these ah-ha moments, or coincidences or synchronous events that may seem random and by chance are really being revealed to me in a planned way. I can only conclude from experience that really this is part of God’s plan for me. These events happen way too frequently to be anything but God’s work.

That I am a better person for this experience is unquestionable. Not only is reading the bible a daily regimen but I pray to God and His Holy spirit where I ask for clarity, understanding, strength, influence for myself as well as well being for others to highlight a few. Not lost on me is the gratitude I feel in my heart that I am being taken care of, that God listens to me, He guides me and answers my prayers!

In this past year I have been blessed with the knowledge that praying, showing up and waiting are key to hearing the word of God either directly or through others. I think that God speaks all the time yet it is I who do not hear His word. I do my best to listen and obey His direction knowing that taking action is required. The feeling of well being, meaning, fulfilling purpose, competence, strength and inner calmness is directly tied to acknowledging His presence in my life. I am no longer an outsider looking in.

The road this has taken for me  includes serving Healing Place the church I attend in a variety of needed ways. In 2018 I completed year 1 night school classes, getting baptized in April, going on a mission trip in June to Kenya, bringing a message of hope and love, and another trip to Panama City, Florida for hurricane relief, joining a small group, attending Men’s Night programs monthly, reading the bible, praying and completing a years program in Man Camp, a men’s success and support group.  That I show up to allow Gods work to be revealed is many times all I have to go on.  If I let all the times I was confused or did not understand or doubt what was going on get in the way I would not have walked the walk I am walking. With the strength and hope that God gives I have the courage to not take no for an answer and to be patient to listen to the answer God will give. These are all things I would never have accomplished left to my own devises. I would have given up long ago as I caved in to feelings of inadequacy, low self worth, or not fitting in or feeling I am not being understood. My default belief is being the outcast or the lone wolf as I so readily identify.  My relationships across the board are better today than they have ever been. My relationship with myself has shown me just how complex and convoluted my beliefs, values and fears really are. Uncovering what makes me tick is indeed a most interesting endeavor. Most profoundly changed  is my relationship with my wife as I have opened the door to a more genuine and authentic man than  I have ever been. My relationships at work have improved, my relationships with others has improved and my contributions, insights and creativity in helping others has all been enhanced to a level I have never experienced. That the Holy Spirit, the advocate who works on our behalf, is the guiding force that creates awareness of God’s purpose for us is the source of my inner intuition is an amazing realization. That I am in awe of it all is understated.  All due to being more present, more grateful, more mindful and more willing.  Each time as the reveals have been realized I am given an understanding about God’s grace, how He works in me and in the world, His unique plan for me and how to reconnect with His Spirit in moments of doubt and fear.  Reassured is how I feel that, no matter, God will find a way. 

Early on I made a decision. I decided that there are a lot of things I know nothing about. I asked myself what makes me think that I can dismiss the bible as just a bunch of old stories? It has been around in written form for thousands of years and who knows how long as spoken before that! What makes me think the bible has nothing to teach me? I decided to join a small group men’s bible study where I asked an incessant amount of questions in the presence of men who have first hand experience with Gods work. I decided to show up and to tell the truth no matter what. I decided to not take no for an answer as I prayed for insights and answers and understanding.  That the door has been opened just as Jesus said it would “knock and the door will open, seek and the answers will  be given” is unquestionably His grace and blessing living in the world.  I decided that I would not let preconceived ideas get in the way of my experience, my thoughts and my perception of reality and my understanding of God.  That I consciously made these decisions has led me to today where I experience a richness, fullness and an awareness to being on a road to a truly meaningful life.

That I made these decisions got me off the fence. The presumptions I made about the world, God, my purpose, my limiting beliefs, my acceptance of who I am, my relationship to other people was me sitting on the fence. Uncomfortable with the way things were I never the less doubled down on my understanding as I saw it, convictions as I lived them and a longing dis-satisfaction underlying life as I experienced it. Relationships not quite there, thinking I am smarter than I really am, insecure to the point of not asking for help….ever, thinking I should know how to conduct my relationships, finances and manage fears and doubts. Never feeling competent and useful.

If anything, I am driven to help people learn to develop a relationship with God. That there was a decision to be made by me to begin this journey was clear from the very beginning. Despite my experience with church growing up Catholic as a kid, making a decision about God now as a man in his mid-sixties was not rational, clear, or on purpose. Nothing will get you out of your comfort zone faster than this type of journey. Without question, many times  I was confused and out of my element.  Deciding to patiently stay in that  uncomfortable state led to spiritual discipline which allows new experiences to unfold.

My mission is to encourage you to make a decision of your own, even if it is uncomfortable; even if your decision flies in the face of pre-conceived ideas. What I see and experience is a renewal of the mind and therefore a renewal of your life. If you allow yourself to be patient and to wait, then most assuredly the answers will come. I believe this is the way of this journey: it’s the foundation of the faith I now have in my own experience and what I believe is possible for you. I encourage you to take a “Leap of Faith”, make a decision about God and once and for all Get Off the Fence.

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A Call to Adventure In Jesus

When I began this quest, I first answered a call from the Holy Spirit. Seeing my life in turmoil unexplained only added to the angst. In reflection, I had everything I wanted, yet, why was I restless and on edge? After a time of several months I distilled what I really wanted out of my life. It was a sense of well-being. And I put it specifically that way, well-being, as I wanted relief from not being comfortable in my own skin and in my own circumstances. Really, I had everything I wanted so the unexplained part of the equation was why was I so unhappy?

After a time of bible reading, prayer, meditation, conscious connected breathing, integrating past hurts into the present and listening to Abraham-Hicks Law of Attraction videos I came up with well-being as what I was looking for. But I also noticed I was treading down parallel roads with God and the Bible on one side and Law of Attraction secularism on the other. I knew I could not sustain such a dichotomy of ideas and way of life for much longer. What I saw for the first time in prayer was an answer to a Biblical promise. The first of many biblical promises that are kept by God! (Promises Made Promises Kept, July 26 Blog post) Seek and you shall find, knock and the door will be opened. I saw the Law of Attraction types really are talking about all the concepts as outlined in the Bible. They are purposely leaving out God so as not to put skeptics and non-believers off. But it was the Holy Spirit who called me, and it was the Bible that led me, and it was the sermons at Healing Place Church that inspired me so much I declared it was God I was to follow! None other than God, His Son Jesus and His Holy Spirit are the source people clamor for yet, are too afraid to call it by its true name. I call it Jesus. Most of it I don’t understand yet I still call it Jesus. My life took a radical turn for the better when I made a decision. The decision was to Get Off the Fence about God and claim it as my own. Claim it, pursue it, live it and revel in His love! There is nothing short of transformation and renewal in the wake of making that decision and commitment. Best decision I EVER made!

But I digress.

When I found myself in a prevailing grouchy, irritable, impatient and quick triggered disposition I thought to myself what is it I really want? My hobbies, work relationships, my relationship with my wife suddenly, it seemed, were not fun, satisfying, fulfilling or meaningful. I coined it as wanting a sense of well-being and I began to search for what that might mean and look like. I should have kept it at meaning and fulfillment as to what I was really looking for. Well-being is nice enough and ok yet that is not ultimately what I want. Happiness is certainly not what I am after as it is a certain dead end. How could I possibly overcome or face a challenge if I only wanted to remain happy? It isn’t possible nor should it be an end game to pursue. I think happiness comes and goes but what happens when it is gone? Then where would I be? What would become of me then if I am not happy?  

In reflecting on well-being, I see it as desiring a degree of comfort and a degree of competence, but it is the comfort part of that duality that bothers me. I see comfort as something I have sought all my life and I see I have gone after it at all costs! Perhaps there was a time that comfort served its purpose, not that I want to be uncomfortable, but there come times when comfort as the end game becomes destructive and weak and soul crushing. Which is what brings me to grouchy, irritable and restless. If not caught in the beginning stages it would not be beyond me, left unchecked, to burn everything and everyone to the ground. Ask me how I know.

Years ago, I sought comfort in scrambling for security and stability when losing a business and marriage while providing for raising three young children. Comfort is good when under all that turmoil but now that the kids are grown and out of the house pursuing that comfort becomes a crutch that is unsatisfying and distasteful. I don’t wear that well. It morphed me into a weak, powerless, directionless pinball caroming this way and that. (John 3:8 NIV) Not a position of certainty nor one of clarity and purpose but one spent reacting to circumstances while bouncing around from one thing to the next. Get a grip!

If there is no course to point toward or no goal to aim at then comfort becomes a dead-end crutch that is …..wait for it……meaningless. If sin is to miss the mark, then what is it when I am not even aiming at anything at all?  Doomed to be upended by some tragedy that is sure to come.  Comfort is just a big sigh when faced with all the possibilities of another day. William Blake was talking about the pitfalls of comfort when he wrote; “Those who restrain desire do so because theirs is weak enough to be restrained. And being restrained it does by degrees become passive until at last it is nothing but a shadow of a desire”. (The Marriage of Heaven and Hell)

I began to see comfort and my comfortable life as worshipping an idol for it is put before everything else. Including dreams, passions and desires that are put at risk to being shelved by the allure of comfort. How pervasive and innocuous comfort is. For it lulled me to sleep and before you know it life has passed me by. I woke up when alerted to my grouchiness. I became afraid I was going to repeat past mistakes because I knew what they looked and felt like. Over the years then I see I did not change gears nor my perspective and awareness. I hadn’t moved my role from provider and stabilizer to a new role as my circumstances changed.  When failing to fully step into a new role the actions that worked before just become bad habits because they no longer fit. If circumstances demand a new role what becomes of the man who does not accept, embrace or step into a new role?

When the Holy Spirit told me, “don’t say no” to an invitation to attend a Bible study little did I know how my life would change in such a meaningful and drastic manner. Today, in day 25 of a 30-day quest to find out what it means to live for God I see Jesus asking me to step into my power by using the spiritual gifts He has so graciously given. The gifts are to give power, meaning and action to change as the roles in life change. Nothing stays the same. New circumstances, new role and a new life is required that has Jesus as the number one! I need to step out of my own way and offer my life to Jesus as He is the giver, provider and advocate who works on my behalf. I defer to Him as creator, savior, redeemer and friend in all seriousness as the game changer in my perspective and awareness. By giving it all to Him gives meaning suddenly to who I am, who I want to be and who I want to become. Freedom really is what He brings as I am no longer a captive to my own limitations. 

Have you seen those Chinese Tomb Guardians
Left at the closed door?
They stand with one knee raised and they,
Half stand, half dance, half rage.
They are hot tempered muscle bulgers,
Big knee’d brow bulgers,
And they stand for eternity at the half risen.
What do you have that can get past them?

Chinese Tomb Guardians, a poem by Robert Bly (excerpt)
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Promises Made Promises Kept

There are many promises outlined in the bible. Promises such as, “seek and you will find; knock and  the  door will be opened” (Luke 11:9 NIV), “if God is for us who can  be against us”(Romans 8:31 NIV), “nothing can separate us from the love of God”(Romans 8:39 NIV), “worry about nothing but everything in prayer….the peace of the Lord will guard your hearts” (Philippians 4:6-7 NIV),and so many more. Jesus himself promised to “send an advocate who will act on our behalf” (John 14:16 NIV) who will give us power live inside us and make us remember everything Jesus said.  In my experience I have found that these promises are true. They are also promises kept and freely given to anyone willing to listen and willing to take responsibility for letting these promises manifest themselves in your life.  It has been two plus years since I said yes to the Holy Spirit. A little more than one year since I said yes to Jesus.

My life is better. I make better choices and better decisions. I am wiser. I ask for help in prayer and my life is transformed! My marriage is the absolute best it has ever been, and it is no fluke! My marriage has depth of vulnerability, a deep intimacy, character, cooperation, responsibility, truth and a deepening love. My marriage is not going to wither away.  My work is better, my thoughts are better, my perceptions and my reality are better. And what’s more, none of this is going to wither away. This great fortune is no fluke!

Now you could say that I, me personally I, am taking charge and doing the things necessary to improve my life its outlook and its outcome. That it is I who is doing all the necessary things to become successful. But wait a minute. I am 64 years old. So now suddenly I can get it together… NOW? I can pull off being responsible, humble, grateful, willing now suddenly I can do that? Or is it something much much more?  Is it the Holy Spirit who intervened and told me, “Don’t Say No?” Is it the Holy Spirit who opened the door to a life with Jesus as God, King, Savior, Friend, Redeemer?

I don’t for a moment think I could suddenly have done all this! This is nothing short of a supernatural effort to suddenly make me competent, confident and more powerful! To overcome huge obstacles of limiting thought and behavior and I am to think that suddenly I can do all that? I, me can now walk in my true purpose when I hadn’t a clue as to what that was?

I know it is not me and I know He called. I know He chose me as I heard it, felt it and knew it when it happened. I see my life play out over and over with meaning and fulfillment. I see the Bible as the living word of God. I see prayers answered, definitively. I see the absolute power in waiting, watching, listening and obeying something higher and greater. What’s more is I see gratitude, a deep deep gratitude as the fuel for the fire within me. Spiritual disciplines emerging as a daily ritual from the ashes of my prior life to empower me and guide me. As an advocate who works on my behalf! Another promise kept!

If these promises are kept and if this is my experience so far in walking with Jesus, then the other promises outlined in the bible, the ones I don’t fully grasp or understand will be kept. I just need to ask Him for understanding or for an answer and then wait. He has been unfolding His plan in His mercy and love as I go. He has never let me down even through some tough financial setbacks that have plagued me recently. In fact, the adversity has drawn my wife and I closer together as we “get our hands back on the wheel” financially. Never would that have been possible before!  My responsibility is to be ready to go! Everyday I prepare myself for the task!  And every day He is there for me!

Received this text from a dear friend today……

“That Holy Spirit is a sneaky one, drawing itself out of men that don’t even know it is inside.”

Let the adventure continue!

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Weak Without His Spirit

How weak I was without His Spirit.

Over the last couple of years, I have developed a solid routine that includes daily prayer, bible meditation and reading the bible. I also attend a weekly men’s small group, attend Church and serve as a volunteer to an inner-city youth mentor program called Empower 225. Daily means I do those things 7 days a week. Weekly means I make room for those events around my full-time job. There are also things I do monthly like lead a discussion table for Healing Place Church men’s program. I show up and serve daily, weekly and monthly. Having these Spiritual Disciplines in place has been a game changer for me. I believe that acting in disciplines that work FOR me has led me closer to God and developing a better relationship with Him. I have improved understanding of how God works in my life, the lives of those around me and His presence in the world. My life has improved dramatically over the last couple of years so much so that I no longer recognize myself! I do not think the things I used to nor do I behave the way I used to. To say that my mind has been renewed…. just like God promises….is truly astounding and amazing to me. Never have I had such a sense of encouragement, accomplishment, clarity and purpose. This comes with an increasing personal power that comes directly from His spirit…. the advocate who works on our behalf. I see His work unfold in me right before my eyes and I do my best to be thankful, thoughtful and wonder what He will do next. I feel like I am being led, encouraged, empowered and pointed in the right direction.

How weak I was without His Spirit.

As I write this blog, I am in day 20 of a 30-day quest to “live my life for God.” I will write about this in detail later, but the reason is for me to grapple with finding out what living my life for Jesus really is about. As I work through the month I see how much of things from the past creep into my daily thought. These are seemingly random thoughts about things I haven’t thought about in years and all of them negative and cringe worthy. It seems to me that the past is trying to invade my mind by deliberately trying to trip me up. It feels like these thoughts are attempting to get me to react and do something foolish without thinking. With certain regret to follow. It also feels like the past would want me to cower in shame at thinking such thoughts. With denial, lying, hiding and wearing a mask to counter such thoughts. And it feels like the past wants to overwhelm me in some way with thoughts of how could I have done such things? Feelings of poor self-worth are sure to follow that path down into inaction and withdrawal.  I do not believe that these thoughts are random nor with out purpose. Clearly, I see they are deliberate attempts to take me out along a pathway of thought and reaction that is no longer operational. If it worked before surely, they will work again is true enough, but I am not the same person I was before coming to know Jesus.

How weak I was without His Spirit

The past wants me to shrink from the world and be weak and miserable in that weakness. Resentment building as I get further away from who I really am and attempting to cover it up with lying, denying and deceit. Unchecked the reaction would boil over into inappropriate words, actions, anger and putting others down. Blaming others for my wrongdoing.  How could I ever feel anyone was on my side if I was always so weak and low and ready to defend myself from attack? A reactionary defense that is unscripted, unrehearsed, undisciplined and reckless designed to burn it all to the ground…. all or nothing behavior.

How weak I was without His Spirit.

His Spirit has restored power to me. Proper, measured, disciplined with a council that is inclusive with His spirit by my side. Literally living inside of me I am not alone. I confer with His spirit in prayer for taking proper action and having proper thoughts. I ask for guidance from His Spirit. I ask for signs and confirmation as I strive to listen and obey His Spirit. I hesitate properly and I act properly. At least that is my goal. His Spirit has restored me and is restoring me for His purpose.  I am to shine the light onto others, raise them up and disciple them to do the same for others. Look at this there is clarity and purpose!

In my journey I am to inspire and motivate others to actively seek the living spirit of God in order to experience His grace, love and mercy and to act and think appropriately with new life.  There is no going back. Once the grace of God is experienced, lived and acknowledged my only hope for success to live a life of meaning and fulfillment is to submit and obey His will. He will open a path. He will provide everything you and I need to succeed.

Am I on the right path? Today I know the answer.  I know because He is an advocate for me not against me and He fills me with His power to go and His peace to know.

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Woe is Me | Letters to Kenya

Letters to Kenya is a series of writings designed in preparation for my upcoming Mission trip to Nairobi, Kenya. On a message of love and hope each letter is a story or a sermon perhaps bringing the Word of God to an audience of 25,000 primary and secondary age schoolchildren. Perhaps the Lord will guide me to deliver a message of inspiration.

I went to school for many years. I read lots of books. I read about success, relationships, finances, leadership, management, speaking, writing, how to fix things, travel, biography, poetry, history.  All sorts of things. I read them for interest, for entertainment, to learn but really to make me better. To expand my knowledge and to help make me a better dad, husband, leader, speaker, writer, thinker, problem solver, serving the community. Whatever it may be. Fixing the car or the plumbing.  I also go to seminars, conferences, retreats for the same reasons….to be better. In other words, to become more competent.

Competence is important to us. We want to be better at what we do. We want to be the expert, the star attraction, the person people come to give advice or to solve their problems.  Success has many definitions, but it certainly includes creating, being in demand, putting yourself out there and cashing all the checks!  At least it is what we are led or taught to believe. Going to school, reading or going to seminars isn’t that paying the price now in order to reap the benefits later?

I have had a good measure of successes along the way but also failures too. Ups and downs, wins and losses, mistakes and windfalls but my biggest mistake was that I thought I was doing it all. I thought I had the power to be better and that it was a combination of me not knowing something, me not understanding something, my self-doubt, my fear, my self sabotage that led to failure and setbacks.  That luck and fate played its hand in direct proportion to my competence. What a delicate balance lies between success and failure.  Consequently, I was better and successful when I applied myself, worked harder and doubled down on what I knew to be true and the course of action to be taken.  But there was always something missing.

My mistake is that I thought it was about me. That concept comes about from the culture I am raised in and is a concept that is pervasive in many parts of the developed world including Kenya. All of us as individuals are all about ourselves. We are full of ourselves.  Collectively we are crowded together as an island of ones…. each to his own as the hippie adage goes.  America as a country is divided by the concept of an ever growing and powerful me. We are a country divided by identity with the self. Identity politics, identity economics, identity philosophy that is rooted in a fractured life. Anger, violence, intolerance, chaos, hurt feelings, revenge, tyranny and rage about it all. Each of us living near the next and being alienated and desperately alone.  Why? It was not like that always.

I suffered like many suffer from too much me.  Its all about me. Or it is all about you, or you, or you or you…and the there is no room for Him. There is no room for God. No room for another. Me is idolatry. Me is a division of the spirit. Me is the darkness that lurks so close by. Of all the books I’ve read there was one book I never read ever. Never picked it up to even thumb through it. That book is the bible. 

When I finally picked it up and began to read it like a regular book I was amazed at its richness and its mystery for while I didn’t understand it the narrative was engaging and compelling. I was shocked.  There are unforgettable stories I read that were impossible to understand. How intriguing indeed.  In reading the bible and talking about it in a bible study I began to see doors of perception open. Understanding began to creep in as I read other translations and studied bible meanings verse by verse.  Doors opened, ah-ha moments of awareness experienced and miracle of miracles I began to witness scripture answer my prayers, give me direction and guide my actions. Truly the bible is the living word of God!

Experiencing the supernatural only opens the door to more supernatural which is the experience of God in our lives. I never would have been able to experience a relationship with God if I didn’t obey His Holy Spirit and say yes to bible study, serving, giving thanks, praying and pressing forward in desperate times of doubt and misunderstanding. It is not that I do not understand but that many times I mis-understand Gods will.

Perhaps the greatest gift (of many gifts given) is that this time I am not alone with me.  It is not about me. It is about God first, then I follow.  This path has led me here to speak to you about the wonders, importance and workings of God in His world with us. It is not our world….it is His. He will lead us through and bring us together with Him to overcome the disease of me. We are to give thanks and praise to Him who provides it all for us. I have His peace; I have His power and I have His leadership and now faithfully bring His word to you as He has directed me.

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From Darkness to Light | Letters to Kenya

Letters to Kenya is a series of writings designed in preparation for my upcoming Mission trip to Nairobi, Kenya. On a message of love and hope each letter is a story or a sermon perhaps bringing the Word of God to an audience of 25,000 primary and secondary age schoolchildren. Perhaps the Lord will guide me to deliver a message of inspiration.

Thank you for having us and welcoming us to your school and to Kenya. You have a beautiful country and you are all such beautiful people. Your beauty is not only outward but is inward as well. You have heart and you have a spirit that is alive and thriving here. God is alive and well and working in Kenya! I know this because I have seen it with my own eyes on my trip here last year. For you are not only the future of Kenya but the future of the whole world. The entire world needs you.

I come from America. A country that is rich beyond imagination even for me sometimes. But that wealth is only a physical wealth. It only takes care of what is on the outside and does an inadequate job in and of itself for we have many problems in America. Crime, addiction, corruption, fractured identity, disparity to name a few. That wealth left to its own devises grows complacent and weak particularly when problems reach epic proportions and allows doubt and fear to creep in and take hold. Fear will grab you and choke you until your spirit is nothing but a whimper…. a flame gone out. My country right now is a land divided, choking itself with increasing godlessness and self-absorption.

Darkness lurks in my country. Even Jesus said that it is so difficult for the rich to enter the Kingdom of heaven.  Darkness creeps in when people think it is by their power only who gives them life.  I have come all  this way, 12,000 miles or more, by the grace of God and directed by His Holy Spirit to tell you you have light and you have spirit and that you have the God given and God guided ability to turn back darkness.  And therefore, the world needs you! For you can bring light not only in your own life, but for your family, for your school, for your city, for your politics, for your leadership, for your country and indeed for the entire world.  You have God’s grace with light for the world.

So, I ask you to take care of your light. Pray for it, ask God how you can take care of it and ask God how you are to use it-for God has a plan for you and ask God to always let it shine.  Give Him thanks for your light and He will light the way.

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The Living Word of God

Several times I have heard people refer to the Bible as “the Living Word of God.”  I wondered often what they were talking about and what does The Living Word really mean.  I asked myself what were they referring to and more importantly how can I come to experience and believe it as well?  For what I sought is a better understanding and knowing what the Living Word of God truly means.

Earlier in my journey I had concluded God speaks to me all the time only it is I who do not hear Him. No doubt a combination of not knowing how to listen, letting my internal noise drown out His words, preconceived ideas about how things work, self-worth and trust and just plain ignorance to name a few! I had no experience with the living word of God I could relate to. Until one day….

I had been in conflict for some weeks over finances which was triggered by two occurrences. The first was the realization that my emergency fund had dipped below my comfort level sending alarms into my psyche.  The second was tied to an email I received from our property manager stating the current tenants were moving out in 30 days.  This news sent me into a tailspin of woe for the maintenance and occupancy losses surely to come.  The emergency fund was below normal due to having $4,000 worth of dangerous trees removed from around our residence the prior month.  Money well spent mind you but the one/two punch of those events raised my money ire.  I was in conflict.

My reaction, rather instantly, was to pull back, stop all leaks of spending money, restore the fund and save for the worst to come.  Strange how quickly the mind goes into protection mode and even stranger still what protection looks like. I felt a sense of panic beginning to bubble underneath. Immediately I found myself asking questions like: do I continue to tithe to the church? Do I stop eating out? Do I stop all home and personal projects? Do I cancel all conferences and trips I would like to take? Do I go on two mission trips with the church this year? What exactly does it mean to put all trust in Jesus? Will I do the right things?

 Protection is a good thing mind you. Taking steps necessary to restore what is lost or steps to quell the damage are all good strategies when things turn to more desperate measures.  Only this was just a feeling and I was reacting to it. Nothing had really changed in my finances at this point for all I got was news which triggered something in me. It triggered lack, it triggered fear, it triggered finite and it triggered a desire to shut down.  Turn off all spending, reel it in, lick my wounds in order to recover for another day.  A scenario I have played out many times in my life and when all is said and done has yielded a level of comfort and degree of success. But it is not who I am any longer. For with fear comes isolation, desperation, closing off all people who could help me and retreating into distrust.

Old ways, particularly those triggered by circumstances I now see as suspect. They may have served something before, but they don’t serve me well any longer. It is an immaturity, and, after all, this is about renewal of the mind. My dilemma is this; if I shut down the money and myself it means I would not tithe to the church for a time, cancel the upcoming Mexico and Kenya mission trips and withdraw into my own head. Lone wolf syndrome typical of my past behavior.

On the other hand, I gave my word that I would honor my commitments.  Yet my conflict was more than just keeping my word. Make no mistake about it. Keeping my word is very important to me. It is a way I continue to serve; build character and the way I know I am obeying God’s will through the Holy Spirit.

For the Mexico trip I intended to pay out of pocket the $1100 necessary to travel and stay while working. This mission was to help tear down a couple of school classrooms ravaged by flood.  While the money was certainly on my radar, I sensed there was more to this than just money.  For one I felt ashamed I would be THAT guy who enthusiastically says he will serve on the trip but when it comes down to it finds a way out. I was worried what would people think of me and worse I felt like a weasel and yet, beside the money, the embarrassment potential and the character cost of not keeping my word there was something deeper to my “mission” to Mexico. This conflict played on my mind. So, I brought my concerns to my men’s group and I brought it up to my wife. (Just the fact I asked for help from anyone is proof enough I have grown in my journey.)  My wife’s suggestion was to pray for confirmation about going on the trip.  Now why didn’t I think of that? I had forgotten about praying for confirmation.

Confirmation is the idea that a seeming directive from God may or may not be what God really wants you to do. Confirmation is asking God—are you sure you want me to go? So, I prayed, and I asked, and I waited for the answer. I prayed many times. One week, two weeks, three weeks went by and I was no closer to certainty than before and remained in a state of conflict and unsettlement. Note this is not a good sign this is God directed! As I continued to pray, I noticed how my prayer for clarity began to change and become more focused. I was now asking the Holy Spirit if the source of my conflict was me avoiding what I really should be doing, that is, expressing God’s will for me. I asked the Holy Spirit if I was dodging something, I should be doing by going on this trip? I prayed and waited some more.

In the meantime, I had been given an assignment for an evening class I was taking at church to read Acts each week for 5 weeks. So, one night I sat down cracked open the Bible and began to read Acts. It was at Acts 6 I stopped for as I read the words the answer to my prayer became clear! The answer to my prayers revealed itself to me in the words of Peter and The Choosing of the Seven. When all the disciples were gathered Peter said, “brothers, choose seven men from among you who are known to be full of the Spirit and wisdom. We will turn this responsibility (to distribute food to the underserved poor women and orphans) over to them and will give our attention to prayer and the ministry of the word.” (Acts 6:3-4 NIV)

The realization for me was Peter saw he needed others to help and do the physical work for widows and orphans while he, Peter, continued to preach the word of God.  Peter realized he couldn’t do both and so he enlisted the seven to carry on and lead the food program.  My answer came as an “ah-ha” moment where I could see people are called to serve in a variety of ways. For while last year my directive from God was to “show up and serve” the directive given to me this year is to “express the word” in my service.  I am directed to bring my experience and to bring the word of God in speaking and writing while I continue in service to Him. The service just looks a little different.  When I saw others being recruited to serve in a manner so Peter could continue to solidify his service in bringing the word of God, I was filled with an inner knowing. Namely, “you are not to pick up a hammer but are to bring the word of God.” Plain as the words I had just read I knew the true will of God for me has been revealed! God does not need me to go and tear down a school even though that is a real need which is meaningful, valuable and furthering God’s kingdom on earth. It is a job for others to do. Necessary but not for me.

Immediately I was flooded with a sense of relief and a calmness washed over me.  Which is how I know this is a directive from God.  “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:6-7 (NIV) This is how I know this directive is from God. There is power in action and there is power in certainty.  To me this is “proof” the bible is the living word of God.  I received my answer in such a profound way is no accident and no coincidence. As the door is opened to such experiences only opens the door for more to come.

I honor my directive to express God’s word in this writing which is to bring His word to a wider audience of believers and non-believers alike. More specifically, to those who are Sitting on The Fence About God. By deciding to seek God on a more meaningful and deeper level, to allow Him to work in your life and to allow the experience to grow into a fulfilling life in service with understanding, gratitude and blessing.  Whether you believe or not believe perhaps there is something you don’t know which gets in the way of opening the door. Seek and you shall find, knock and the door will be opened. Matthew7:7-8 (NIV)

The Core of Masculinity

The core of masculinity does not derive
from being male,
Nor friendliness from those who console.
Your old grandmother says, “Maybe you shouldn’t
go to school. You look a little pale.”
Run when you hear that.
A father’s stern slaps are better.
Your bodily soul wants comforting.
The severe father wants spiritual clarity.
He scolds but eventually
leads you into the open.
Pray for such an instructor
to hear and act and stay within you.
We have been busy accumulating solace.
Make us afraid of how we were.

a poem by Rumi
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Kenya Mission 2019: Help send me to East Africa

Over this last year I have had an amazing opportunity to grow in my faith, serve with a church that is incredibly active in the community, participate in a strong men’s small group, as well as providing volunteer leadership in Empower 225 (a local high-risk youth mentorship program.)  I have been amazed with what I have learned and experienced, truly seeing what it means to be walking and living life in a meaningful way with God.

Again, I have been offered an opportunity through Healing Place Church to travel to Kenya to share the love of God with students all over the capitol city. In just one trip, we will be able to visit over 120 schools to share the message of the Gospels with over 35,000 students! I will be joining a team of 20-25 men and women from several churches from around the U.S. in addition to Restoration Ministries (our Kenyan partners) who have blazed the trail ahead of us, coordinating the logistics for this endeavor. In past trips, the group has been able to minister to students of all ages and has seen the Gospel impact many of these students in life altering ways. The trip lasts a total of eleven days.  During that time, we will travel to and from Kenya, spend time in the schools and go on a safari as a team.

I am asking for your help to raise the $3500 needed to go!  I would love if you would consider supporting me either through making a direct donation to the trip or by praying for the success for the purpose of the trip.  Whether you choose to give or pray, I consider you a part of advancing the word of God and helping me realize my full potential in bringing a message of hope and a way to achievement.

If you would like to contribute you can contact me directly for more information, or if you would like to contribute online, please use either….

I am grateful for any way you would choose to support me in this endeavor, and I am excited and expectant for what God is going to do on this trip!

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Spiritual Tools

A Magnolia tree blooms in magnificent glory to signal the coming of Spring. The burst of blooms also indicates and demonstrates the good living, patience, process and all the care that goes unseen into displaying such a beautiful sight!   Much goes on unseen, underground and in silence.  It got me thinking that I am much like the tree in Spring (or at least I want to be like the tree) as I flit from thing to thing saying, “look at me, look at how well I am doing” and I say to myself, “look at how good I feel.” It is a prop up of my ego whether at work, at home, at church or even with my own thoughts.  Wearing a mask that never shows doubt, fear, uncertainty and loneliness that also lives side by side with all the good stuff. Like a Magnolia tree in its Spring bloom.  Never going down like the tree for the rest of the year when it is just a tree!  How boring, how incompetent, how YOU tree have settled for less!  How I find it so difficult to lick my wounds, admit I even have them, ask for help and let others in and never truly growing nor understanding in a new way.  For years I thought that by doubling down on my effort, to work harder, that I would overcome my inadequacies and launch myself into a perpetual Spring Bloom!  All I did is push people away, isolate and ultimately double down on losing. OUCH.

So, what is down there?  What is so frightening about going down there?  Well, what’s down there is humility, gratitude and honesty. The tree has those qualities and has a connection that is second nature to its glory. THE TREE KNOWS.  It knows that in order to grow it must renew—all the time.  That this process is happening to me right under my gaze is amazing. Oh, the things I don’t know!

The connection to tree and my life is this.  It happened with a discussion with my wife that went array. Realizing that I haven’t been able to support my wife in the way she wants and needs from me and even in the manner she supports me is quite devastating.  A blow to the thought I had that I could and should be able to give her what she needs.  The thought that I as husband should have the answer is just another shiny thing—an inflated concept of myself that is not true. At the time it felt so devastating and dark and final.   Is this then the end? Will I never overcome such a put down?

No, no, no. This is about renewal. Things will never be the same. It may look and feel familiar but now I have tools, spiritual tools to rightly address any and all concerns. For one, I could tell the truth and then do those things that will make it better. I am compelled to tell of my struggles to take off the masks (even from myself) as well as talk about the touch of glory I have felt along the way. This is a process much like the life of a great magnolia tree. That I plod on and show up is precisely how changes occur. Plodding on…. isn’t that renewal?  That I am compelled to tell of my struggles, ask for help, take soulful and directed action in order to feel the pain as well as the well-being and knowing, really knowing on a deep level, that I am on the right path. That this is possible for me I know it is possible for you.

That’s God’s plan working and in action for me. I am in good hands.  How do I know I am in good hands?  In good hands there is power. I have power and that is proof. Here are the 15 concepts the power offers me toward renewal. Each of the following have been a significant rock for me to land on. In times of trouble, self-doubt, fear, uncertainty, laziness, fatigue, not understanding or not getting it one or more of these has brought me back. For these you see are the tools I use. These are part of the Spiritual tool box I have that I believe are Holy Spirit given tools, an arsenal to use wisely and graciously with determination.  That the advocate who works on my behalf…. the Holy Spirit…. gives these freely is indeed a blessing and proof that God has my back.  What is in your Spiritual toolbox?

15 Spiritual Tools (with more to come…)

  • God has my back
  • Show up
  • God will meet me where I am
  • Serve
  • Listen
  • Obey
  • Ask
  • Gratitude
  • Get out of my own way
  • Prayer
  • Character
  • Trust
  • Act like I believe
  • Renewal of the mind
  • Patience

Reflection: A Land Not Mine
A land not mine, still forever memorable
The waters of its ocean chill and fresh,
Sand on the bottom whiter than chalk.
And the air drunk like wine.
Sunset in the ethereal waves
Late sun lays bare the rosy limbs of the pine trees.
I cannot tell if the day is ending or the world,
Or if the secret of secrets is upon me again.
~Anna Akhmatova

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Renewal in the Year Ahead

Here are some thoughts on the year just passed. If the overarching theme of 2018 was “Renewal” as in a renewal of my mind the action words toward that renewal was undoubtedly “Showing Up.”  I showed up to lots of things I would not have normally attended, such as, going to church regularly (Healing Place Church in Baton Rouge, LA), weekly small group bible study, mission trips, completing year 1-night school, daily prayer, daily bible reading and service opportunities to name a few.  Many times, I did not want to go but persist I did knowing at the end of the day, or week or year, for that matter, I would learn something I did not know. Indeed, I am blessed by the grace of God to be guided by His Holy Spirit to press on and show up.  By showing up I obey the Holy Spirit, the advocate who works on our behalf. By showing up and learning something I not only change my experiences, but they change my perspective and therefore change my reality.  If that is not renewal of the mind, I don’t know what is!

For now, I have changed a habit, the habit of not hearing and not obeying and replaced it with a new one. Again, it is renewal for this is a new habit that is more receptive to hearing God’s word. Many times, I wonder if I can hear God talking to me at all, I have those doubts, yet I see in my experience that God speaks always and constantly. It is I who need to hear better! It is something I ask for in my prayers…to hear better.  I do my best to listen for God speaks in so many ways! From a direct command to a hunch is how God’s will be done. So, in thinking about how I got here and reflecting on 2018, if renewal of my mind was the directive then certainly by showing up- taking action got me here. To me it looks something like this….

If I read the word, if I understand the word, if I live in the word and by the word asking how the word affects me today then I live in His Spirit.  If I live in His Spirit, then I most certainly live in a new life- a life of renewal.  All this just as He promised!  Knock and the door will be opened, seek and you shall find. (Matthew 7:7 and Luke 11:9.)

Hmmm, God keeps His promises!  If I have eyes to see and ears to hear I can be guided by His Spirit, renew my mind and carry out His will. His specific and unique plan for me.

2019 opens with “expression” as the theme. I am being directed by His Spirit to tell my story and my experiences that led me this door, a door called Get Off the Fence. It is not for adoration, status or riches but simply to unravel my expression muscle and to follow that directive whatever it may look like.  I once had a track coach who taught that practice does not make perfect. But that perfect practice makes perfect! A more perfect outcome.  Perhaps it is for influence for I pray for influence as well.  I may reach one person total or reach that one person who can then reach millions more for God’s plan is convoluted, mysterious and surprising. Perhaps I will never know the full outcome.  In the meantime, just being part in this play is its own reward.

Certain I am that I am on the right path for the power, creativity, fulfilling, meaningful and exciting feelings have revealed an underlying current of confidence and well-being and peace. That is how I know this is from God.

QUIETNESS
Inside this new love, die.
Your way begins on the other side.
Become the sky.
Take an axe to the prison wall.
Escape.
Walk out like someone suddenly born into color.
Do it now.
You’re covered with thick cloud.
Slide out the side. Die,
and be quiet. Quietness is the surest sign
that you have died.
Your old life was a frantic running
from silence.
The speechless full moon
comes out now.

Reflection: A poem by Rumi
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