How fitting to begin this blog “Get Off the Fence” a couple of days into the new year 2019. Not only is it new beginnings, new adventure but it’s to continue work that has already begun in the year just past. 2018 was an extraordinary year for me. A year of rapid and intense growth particularly in the inner and spiritual side of me. Not only have I come to a better understanding of how God works in the world but I have come to understand the meaning of cultivating a personal relationship with Him and His Holy Spirit. His Spirit speaks to me, His word as I read it in the bible speaks to me, the message of pastors speak to me and my inner wisdom speaks to me. All of this is a gift that is being given. That may seem to some a lot of chatter going on yet the realizations I have that those messages are being spoken to me and are meant for me directly, well it seems that they are being doled out as needed. As God needs to dole them out. Many times I have had the thought that these ah-ha moments, or coincidences or synchronous events that may seem random and by chance are really being revealed to me in a planned way. I can only conclude from experience that really this is part of God’s plan for me. These events happen way too frequently to be anything but God’s work.
That I am a better person for this experience is unquestionable. Not only is reading the bible a daily regimen but I pray to God and His Holy spirit where I ask for clarity, understanding, strength, influence for myself as well as well being for others to highlight a few. Not lost on me is the gratitude I feel in my heart that I am being taken care of, that God listens to me, He guides me and answers my prayers!
In this past year I have been blessed with the knowledge that praying, showing up and waiting are key to hearing the word of God either directly or through others. I think that God speaks all the time yet it is I who do not hear His word. I do my best to listen and obey His direction knowing that taking action is required. The feeling of well being, meaning, fulfilling purpose, competence, strength and inner calmness is directly tied to acknowledging His presence in my life. I am no longer an outsider looking in.
The road this has taken for me includes serving Healing Place the church I attend in a variety of needed ways. In 2018 I completed year 1 night school classes, getting baptized in April, going on a mission trip in June to Kenya, bringing a message of hope and love, and another trip to Panama City, Florida for hurricane relief, joining a small group, attending Men’s Night programs monthly, reading the bible, praying and completing a years program in Man Camp, a men’s success and support group. That I show up to allow Gods work to be revealed is many times all I have to go on. If I let all the times I was confused or did not understand or doubt what was going on get in the way I would not have walked the walk I am walking. With the strength and hope that God gives I have the courage to not take no for an answer and to be patient to listen to the answer God will give. These are all things I would never have accomplished left to my own devises. I would have given up long ago as I caved in to feelings of inadequacy, low self worth, or not fitting in or feeling I am not being understood. My default belief is being the outcast or the lone wolf as I so readily identify. My relationships across the board are better today than they have ever been. My relationship with myself has shown me just how complex and convoluted my beliefs, values and fears really are. Uncovering what makes me tick is indeed a most interesting endeavor. Most profoundly changed is my relationship with my wife as I have opened the door to a more genuine and authentic man than I have ever been. My relationships at work have improved, my relationships with others has improved and my contributions, insights and creativity in helping others has all been enhanced to a level I have never experienced. That the Holy Spirit, the advocate who works on our behalf, is the guiding force that creates awareness of God’s purpose for us is the source of my inner intuition is an amazing realization. That I am in awe of it all is understated. All due to being more present, more grateful, more mindful and more willing. Each time as the reveals have been realized I am given an understanding about God’s grace, how He works in me and in the world, His unique plan for me and how to reconnect with His Spirit in moments of doubt and fear. Reassured is how I feel that, no matter, God will find a way.
Early on I made a decision. I decided that there are a lot of things I know nothing about. I asked myself what makes me think that I can dismiss the bible as just a bunch of old stories? It has been around in written form for thousands of years and who knows how long as spoken before that! What makes me think the bible has nothing to teach me? I decided to join a small group men’s bible study where I asked an incessant amount of questions in the presence of men who have first hand experience with Gods work. I decided to show up and to tell the truth no matter what. I decided to not take no for an answer as I prayed for insights and answers and understanding. That the door has been opened just as Jesus said it would “knock and the door will open, seek and the answers will be given” is unquestionably His grace and blessing living in the world. I decided that I would not let preconceived ideas get in the way of my experience, my thoughts and my perception of reality and my understanding of God. That I consciously made these decisions has led me to today where I experience a richness, fullness and an awareness to being on a road to a truly meaningful life.
That I made these decisions got me off the fence. The presumptions I made about the world, God, my purpose, my limiting beliefs, my acceptance of who I am, my relationship to other people was me sitting on the fence. Uncomfortable with the way things were I never the less doubled down on my understanding as I saw it, convictions as I lived them and a longing dis-satisfaction underlying life as I experienced it. Relationships not quite there, thinking I am smarter than I really am, insecure to the point of not asking for help….ever, thinking I should know how to conduct my relationships, finances and manage fears and doubts. Never feeling competent and useful.
If anything, I am driven to help people learn to develop a relationship with God. That there was a decision to be made by me to begin this journey was clear from the very beginning. Despite my experience with church growing up Catholic as a kid, making a decision about God now as a man in his mid-sixties was not rational, clear, or on purpose. Nothing will get you out of your comfort zone faster than this type of journey. Without question, many times I was confused and out of my element. Deciding to patiently stay in that uncomfortable state led to spiritual discipline which allows new experiences to unfold.
My mission is to encourage you to make a decision of your own, even if it is uncomfortable; even if your decision flies in the face of pre-conceived ideas. What I see and experience is a renewal of the mind and therefore a renewal of your life. If you allow yourself to be patient and to wait, then most assuredly the answers will come. I believe this is the way of this journey: it’s the foundation of the faith I now have in my own experience and what I believe is possible for you. I encourage you to take a “Leap of Faith”, make a decision about God and once and for all Get Off the Fence.